Frostbite Chapter 8

EightChristian was suffering her, and wow, was it a kiss. He wasnt messing around. It was the liberal of kiss that sm whole children shouldnt be al matchlessowed to see. Hell, it was the chassis of kiss no one should be allowed to see- let whole experience through a psychic link.As Ive noted before, difficult emotion from Lissa could make this phenomenon befall- the one where I got pulled inside her head. safe al styluss, eer, it was because of close to negative emotion. Shed kick the bucket upset or angry or depressed, and that would remove stunned to me. But this cadence? She wasnt upset.She was happy. Very, very happy.Oh man. I subscribe toed to get aside of here.They were up in the attic of the schools chapel or, as I deald to call it, their love nest. The place had been a regular fix for them, c everyplace version when apiece of them was lifeing antisocial and wanted to escape. Eventually, theyd decided to be antisocial together, and one thing had led to another. Since they started publicly dating, I hadnt cognize they spent much time here anymore. Maybe they were cover version for antiquated times sake.And indeed, a celebration did seem to be passing on. Little fresh enkindledles were set up around the dusty old place, candles that change the crease with the scent of lilacs. I would have been a little nervous head-nigh setting all those candles in a confined space filled with flammable boxes and books, still Christian probably figured he could function any accidental infernos.They finally broke that insanely big kiss and pulled nates to check at each other. They lay on their sides on the floor. Several blankets had been spread under them.Christians face was open and tender as he regarded Lissa, his pale blue eye aglow with some midland emotion. It was different from the way Mason regarded me. There was certainly adoration with him, hardly Masons was a lot like when you walk into a church and yield to your knees in awe and fear of something you worship scarcely dont materially understand. Christian clearly worshipped Lissa in his way, however at that place was a subtile glint to his eye, a sense that the both of them sh bed an understanding of each other so perfect and powerful that they didnt even need course to convey it.Dont you think were going to go to hell on earth for this? asked Lissa.He reached show up and fey her face, trailing his fingers along her cheek and neck and land to the result of her silky shirt. She breathed heavily at that touch, at the way it could be so gentle and small, still evoke such a tight passion within her.For this? He played with the shirts edge, let his finger only when barely brush inside of it.No, she laughed. For this. She gestured around the attic. This is a church. We shouldnt be doing this kind of, um, thing up here.not true, he argued. Gently, he pushed her onto her back and leaned oer her. The church is pilingstairs. This is just stora ge. God wont mind.You dont believe in God, she chastised. Her work force do their way down his chest. Her movements were as light and deliberate as his, yet they clearly triggered the same powerful response in him.He sighed mirthfully as her hands slid under his shirt and up his stomach. Im humoring you.Youd put forward anything right now, she accused. Her fingers caught the edge of his shirt and pushed it up. He shifted so she could push it all the way finish up him and then leaned back over her, bare-chested.Youre right, he agreed. He carefully undid one button on her blouse. Just one. accordingly he over again leaned down and gave her one of those hard, deep kisses. When he came up for air, he continued on as though nothing had happened. Tell me what you need to come upon, and Ill say it. He unfastened another button.Theres nothing I need to hear, she laughed. Another button popped free. You can bear witness me whatever you want- itd just be nice if it were true.The trut h, huh? No one wants to hear the truth. The truth is never sexy. But you The last button came undone, and he spread her shirt away. You are in addition goddamned sexy to be veridical.His voice communication held his trademark snarky tone, but his eyes conveyed a different message entirely. I was witnessing this scene through Lissas eyes, but I could imagine what he saw. Her smooth, w bourgeone skin. Slender waist and hips. A lacy white bra. Through her, I could feel that the lace was itchy, but she didnt care.Feelings both fond and hungry spread over his features. From within Lissa, I could feel her heart race and breathing quicken. Emotions similar to Christians clouded all other coherent thoughts. Shifting down, he lay on snuff it of her, pressing their bodies together. His m appearh sought hers out again, and as their lips and tongues do contact, I knew I had to get out of there.Because I unsounded it now. I understood why Lissa had dressed up and why the love nest had be en decked out like a Yankee Candles showroom. This was it. The moment. after a month of dating, they were going to have sex. Lissa, I knew, had done it before with a past boyfriend. I didnt know Christians past, but I sincerely doubted many girls had fallen give to his abrasive charm.But in feeling what Lissa matte up, I could tell that no(prenominal) of that mattered. non in that moment. In that moment, there were only the two of them and the way they felt nigh each other right now. And in a life filled with more worries than someone her age should have had, Lissa felt absolutely certain about what she was doing now. It was what she wanted. What shed wanted for a very long time with him.And I had no right to be witnessing it.Who was I kidding? I didnt want to witness it. I took no pleasure in watching other people get it on, and I sure as hell didnt want to experience sex with Christian. Itd be like losing my virginity virtually.But rescuer Christ, Lissa wasnt making it eas y to get out of her head. She had no desire to detach from her feelings and emotions, and the stronger they grew, the stronger they held me. Trying to distance myself from her, I focused my energies on coming back to myself, concentrating as hard as I could.More clothes disappeared put in on, come on, I told myself sternly.The condom came out yikes.Youre your own person, go up. Get back in your head.Their limbs intertwined, their bodies moving together Son of a-I ripped out of her and back to myself. Once again, I was back in my room, but I no longer had any interest in packing my backpack. My whole human being was askew. I felt strange and violated- almost unsure if I was Rose or if I was Lissa. I also felt that dislikement toward Christian again. I certainly didnt want to have sex with Lissa, but there was that same pang inside of me, that frustrated feeling that I was no longer the center of her entraping.Leaving the backpack untouched, I went right to bed, wrapping my ar ms around myself and curling into a ball to try to suppress the ache within my chest.I fell asleep pretty apace and woke up early as a result. Usually, I had to be dragged out of bed to go meet Dimitri, but today I showed up early enough that I actually beat him to the gym. As I waited, I saw Mason cutting across to one of the buildings that held classrooms.Whoa, I called. Since when are you up this early?Since I had to retake a maths test, he give tongue to, walking over to me. He gave me his mischievous smile. Might be worth skipping, though, to hang out with you.I laughed, remembering my conversation with Lissa. Yes, there were definitely worse things I could do than flirt and start something with Mason.Nah. You efficiency get in trouble, then Id have no real scrap on the slopes.He rolled his eyes, still smiling. Im the one with no real challenge, remember?You ready to bet on something yet? Or are you still too afraid?Watch it, he warned, or I might take back your Christmas present.You got me a present? I hadnt judge that.Yup. But if you keep back- colloquying, I might give it to someone else. akin Meredith? I teased.She isnt even in your league, and you know it.Even with a dreary eye? I asked with a grimace.Even with two black eyes.The look he gave me just then wasnt teasing or even rattling suggestive. It was just nice. Nice, friendly, and interested. Like he unfeignedly cared. After all the examine lately, I decided I liked being cared about. And with the neglect I was starting to feel from Lissa, I realized I also kind of liked having someone who wanted to pay so much maintenance to me.What are you doing on Christmas? I asked.He shrugged. Nothing. My mom almost came down but had to cancel at the last minute you know, with everything that happened.Masons puzzle wasnt a guardian. She was a dhampir whod chosen to just be domestic and have kids. As a result, I knew he saw her quite a bit. It was ironic, I thought, that my mom actually was here , but for all intents and purposes, she might as well have been somewhere else.Come hang with me, I said on impulse. Ill be with Lissa and Christian and his aunt. Itll be fun.Really?Very fun.Thats not what I was asking about.I grinned. I know. Just be there, okay?He swept me one of the gallant bows he liked to make. Absolutely.Mason wandered off just as Dimitri showed up for our practice. Talking to Mason had made me feel giddy and happy I hadnt thought about my face at all with him. But with Dimitri, I suddenly became self-conscious. I didnt want to be anything less than perfect with him, and as we walked inside, I went out of my way to distract my face so he couldnt look at me full-on. Worrying about that brought my mood down, and as it plummeted, all the other things that had been upsetting me came tumbling back.We re sullen to the fostering room with the dummies, and he told me he simply wanted me to practice the maneuvers from two days ago. Happy he wasnt going to transport up the fight, I set to my task with a burning zeal, showing the dummies just what would happen if they messed with Rose Hathaway. I knew my fighting fury was fired up by more than just a simple desire to do well. My feelings were out of control this morning, raw and intense after both the fight with my mother and what Id witnessed with Lissa and Christian last night. Dimitri sat back and watched me, occasionally critiquing my technique and religious offering suggestions for new tactics.Your hairs in the way, he said at one point. Not only are you blocking your peripheral vision, youre running the risk of letting your enemy get a hand discombobulate.If Im actually in a fight, Ill move into it up. I grunted as I shoved the stake neatly up amidst the dummys ribs. I didnt know what these artificial bones were made of, but they were a bitch to work around. I thought about my mom again and added a little extra force to the jab. Im just wearing it down today, thats all.Rose, he said war ningly. Ignoring him, I plunged again. His voice came more sharply the undermentioned time he spoke. Rose. Stop.I backed away from the dummy, surprised to see my breathing labored. I hadnt realized I was working that hard. My back hit the wall. With nowhere to go, I looked away from him, directing my eyes toward the ground.Look at me, he ordered.Dimitri- Look at me.No matter our close history, he was still my instructor. I couldnt refuse a direct order. Slowly, reluctantly, I turned toward him, still tilting my head slightly down so the hair hung over the sides of my face. Rising from his chair, he walked over and stood before me.I avoided his eyes but saw his hand move forward to brush back my hair. Then it stopped. As did my breathing. Our short-lived attraction had been filled with questions and reservations, but one thing Id known for sure Dimitri had love my hair. Maybe he still loved it. It was great hair, Ill admit. Long and silky and dark. He used to find excuses to touch it, and hed counseled me against cutting it as so many female guardians did.His hand hovered there, and the world stood still as I waited to see what he would do. After what seemed like an eternity, he let his hand gradually fall back to his side. destroy disappointment washed over me, yet at the same time, Id conditioned something. Hed hesitated. Hed been afraid to touch me, which maybe- just maybe- meant he still wanted to. Hed had to hold himself back.I slowly tipped my head back so that we made eye contact. Most of my hair fell back from my face- but not all. His hand trembled again, and I hoped again hed reach forward. The hand steadied. My excitement dimmed.Does it digest? he asked. The scent of that aftershave, mingled with his sweat, washed over me. God, I wished he had touched me.No, I lied.It doesnt look so bad, he told me. Itll heal.I hate her, I said, astonished at just how much venom those three words held. Even while suddenly turned on and wanting Dimitri, I still co uldnt drop the grudge I held against my mother.No, you dont, he said gently.I do.You dont have time to hate anyone, he advised, his voice still kind. Not in our profession. You should make peace with her.Lissa had said barely the same thing. round joined my other emotions. That darkness within me started to unfurl. Make peace with her? After she gave me a black eye on purpose Why am I the only one who sees how crazy that is?She absolutely did not do it on purpose, he said, voice hard. No matter how much you resent her, you have to believe that. She wouldnt do that, and anyway, I saw her later that day. She was upturned about you.Probably more worried someone will bring her up on child abuse charges, I grumbled.Dont you think this is the time of year for forgiveness?I sighed loudly. This isnt a Christmas special This is my life. In the real world, miracles and in force(p)ness just dont happen.He was still eyeing my calmly. In the real world, you can make your own miracles.My frus tration suddenly hit a fault point, and I gave up trying to maintain my control. I was so jade of being told reasonable, practical things whenever something went wrong in my life. Somewhere in me, I knew Dimitri only wanted to supporter, but I just wasnt up for the well-meaning words. I wanted comfort for my problems. I didnt want to think about what would make me a better person. I wished hed just hold me and tell me not to worry.Okay, can you just stop this for once? I demanded, hands on my hips.Stop what?The whole profound Zen crap thing. You dont talk to me like a real person. Everything you say is just some wise, life-lesson nonsense. You really do sound like a Christmas special. I knew it wasnt entirely pretty to take my anger out on him, but I found myself practically shouting. I swear, sometimes its just like you want to hear yourself talk And I know youre not always this way. You were perfectly conventionality when you talked to Tasha. But with me? Youre just going thr ough the motions. You dont care about me. Youre just stuck in your stupid mentor role.He stared at me, uncharacteristically surprised. I dont care about you?No. I was being petty- very, very petty. And I knew the truth- that he did care and was more than just a mentor. I couldnt help myself, though. It just kept coming and coming. I jabbed his chest with my finger. Im another scholarly person to you. You just go on and on with your stupid life lessons so that- The hand Id hoped would touch my hair suddenly reached out and grabbed my pointing hand. He pinned it to the wall, and I was surprised to see a flare of emotion in his eyes. It wasnt exactly angerbut it was frustration of another kind.Dont tell me what Im feeling, he growled.I saw then that half of what Id said was true. He was almost always calm, always in control- even when fighting. But hed also told me how hed once snapped and shell up his Moroi father. Hed actually been like me once- always on the verge of playacting w ithout thinking, doing things he knew he shouldnt.Thats it, isnt it? I asked.What?Youre always fighting for control. Youre the same as me.No, he said, still obviously worked up. Ive learned my control.Something about this new realisation emboldened me. No, I informed him. You havent. You put on a good face, and most of the time you do stay in control. But sometimes you cant. And sometimes I leaned forward, lowering my voice. Sometimes you dont want to.RoseI could see his labored breathing and knew his heart was beating as promptly as mine. And he wasnt pulling away. I knew this was wrong- knew all the logical reasons for us staying apart. But right then, I didnt care. I didnt want to control myself. I didnt want to be good.Before he realized what was happening, I kissed him. Our lips met, and when I felt him kiss me back, I knew I was right. He pressed himself closer, trapping me between him and the wall. He kept holding my hand, but his other one snaked behind my head, sliding i nto my hair. The kiss was filled with so much forcefulness it held anger, passion, release.He was the one who broke it. He jerked away from me and took several(prenominal) steps back, looking shaken.Do not do that again, he said stiffly.Dont kiss me back then, I retorted.He stared at me for what seemed like forever. I dont give Zen lessons to hear myself talk. I dont give them because youre another student. Im doing this to get a line you control.Youre doing a great job, I said bitterly.He closed his eyes for half a second, exhaled, and muttered something in Russian. Without another glance at me, he turned and left the room.